"Clay and Susan Griffith's Vampire Empire is Transforming Genre Fiction" Paul Goat Allen, BN Explorations.

Friday, March 18, 2011

I Think Green TV and I Are Through

And We Had Such a Good Thing Going...

This is from Clay. Susan recuses herself from anything I'm going to say.

I watched a lot of the live 4-hour Destination: Truth episode from Ireland on St. Patrick's Day. No, I wasn't too drunk to change the channel. I did switch over frequently to check scores in the NCAA tournament. But I always switched back.

I said four hours. Four Hours. FOUR HOURS.

Josh and crew are stunned anyone is still watching.

Josh and his crew of professional truth-seekers spent 4 hours wandering through some places in Ireland...I wasn't paying much attention...it was a castle or a forest or something. I think they were looking for a banshee. A banshee? Really? A BANSHEE?!?! Or ghosts. Or kelpies. Or whatever the hell it was. All I know is, it was night time. Because they used the green thing. Oh yes, the wonderful green camera.

It's right behind me, isn't it?

So Syfy showed 4 hours of green night-vision close-ups of Josh and his people and grainy green shots of castles or forests or something. Lots of asking questions to the spirits and listening for something ... anything. So what did Destination: Truth find?


What do they ever find? Nothing.

Josh has got the sweetest gig on the planet. These guys travel all over the world investigating monsters. Or at least, they used to. Apparently they ran out of local monsters, so now they basically copy Ghost Hunters, another green-screen show (although their green screen is a little more grey). They never find anything except a bigger budget to keep doing it.

But I watch it. Or I used to. I once was a frequent viewer of Destination: Truth and Ghost Hunters. Do I believe in ghosts and monsters? Not really. Do I want to believe? Sorta. I'm a horror buff, and I'd like to think weird things are out there.

Have these shows come close to proving it? NO.

Josh is ripping off our schtick.
Has Destination: Truth or Ghost Hunters ever found a shred of evidence that would convince even the least skeptical person? NO. People who used to believe John Edwards: Crossing Over wouldn't buy the evidence on these two shows.

They turn up garbled sounds that sound exactly like garbled sounds, but they claim sound like words. They show photographs of shadows that look like shadows, but they claim are disembodied figures. Josh hears noises in trees or sounds in the bushes. Those noises COULD be a monster. Or it could be a bird, or a squirrel.

Oh My God! Was that a noise! It was!
So why do I watch?

I don't know. I don't watch as much as I used to, but as I said, I tuned in to a lot of Josh's FOUR HOUR live broadcast from Ireland. For some reason, I'm mesmerized by the green screen. I want something to show up, to walk by, to jump out. Please let SOMETHING happen. Please GOD these people can't waste more of my time and their network's money, can they? They have to find SOMETHING at SOME POINT!

Why am I still sitting here?!?!?

It must be the green screen. If they shot every tv show in luminescent green, I would watch it.

But now, they pushed it too far. On St. Patrick's Day, Josh promised me a lovely first class vacation to Ireland, but when I got there I found I was booked me into a crappy hotel where my wallet was stolen and all my tour vouchers were invalid. Oh, did I mention it was FOUR HOURS?

That's it! I am done with you and your emerald-colored promise of the unknown. Screw you, green tv!


Susan Griffith said...

The same thing happened to me when I was watch the NCIS marathon on USA. I waited for HOURS to see some good romance between Ziva and Tony, and nothing! The hours I wasted just for a glimpse of something to prove their relationship was going somewhere. Nothing. I feel your pain, Clay.

Gareth Marenghei said...

Why hasn't someone come up with a plugin that lets you make any online video look like it was filmed on with an infrared camera? Because Designing Women would look awesome this way.

Clay & Susan said...

WOW! A note from Garth Marenghi, although you misspelled your name. But we can't expect a dreamweaver and also actor such as yourself to be bound by the rules of normal spelling.

And, yes, Designing Women would look good in IR.

Anonymous said...

I agree Clay. I wish they'd find something that would freak me out, but so far it's kinda the some findings every week. I still watch though. I do like the show Fact or Fake. At least they are trying to figure out some of the videos that show up non-stop on web. Larry

Anonymous said...

You must be the Clay Griffith you wrote some of The Tick! Never would have known from Vampire Empire. Loved both.

Clay and Susan said...

Thank you. I am the Clay who wrote The Tick and Man-Eating Cow and Paul the Samurai (along with Susan quite often). And, yes, The Greyfriar is pretty different. Glad you liked both of them.